Control.

When people ask me, "how are you doing" I sometimes say "OK" or you know "this is one big roller coaster ride!" One day your up and the next day your down and sometimes it just seems one hour your up and the next your down.  Well, that is exactly how these past few weeks have gone.  As you can see I haven't posted anything for some time and I just haven't had the energy or when I have had the energy I have used it to go out and spend time with the kids'.

A couple of big things happened during the past two weeks that I want to share with everyone, first we have successfully completed my second of four of what I so eloquently call the "yucky" treatments! So we are 1/2 there - yea!!  My next treatment is scheduled for tomorrow 4/29 then we are 3/4 there!!  But as always the treatment of course did come with it's share of side effects, ugggggg......  We'll get to those later, first I want to share some of the happy news.

Brian, while knowing that we had a rough March travel road schedule, was able to accomplish something very special, he earned his 200th Career Coaching Win!!! Click here for the article from the Odessa American or click here for the article from the UTPB Baseball website.  The special part about this is that he didn't know I was keeping up with the number of wins, I had been since the end of last year because I had missed 100 and really wanted to celebrate 200 with him.  His assistant and just a few of the players knew what the game meant but he didn't and at the end of the game, they presented him with the game ball that had 200th win and cheered in the huddled - he was moved! Then he got the attached text from us, we didn't dare work on making the 200 until the 5th inning score update came in, then it was rush time!!!  Blayr was so excited, Lincoln was too, until it was time to take the picture and he couldn't hold the number he wanted and tore the 0 that Blayr had worked so hard to tape together - oh, the love of a brother and sister :)!

GO DADDY!!

Bianca also celebrated her 15th Birthday on the 17th of March and while we were not able to have a party for her due to my chemo schedule we are going to combine her party with Lincoln's in just a few weeks.  She did get an extra special present, what every teenager wants and needs these days, a cell phone!  It has been on her list since for about a year now, so excited doesn't even describe how her reaction when opening her present.

As for my reaction to the last chemo treatment, well it wasn't as bad as the first - thank goodness, but as with chemotherapy, the side effects - oh the side effects!  After trial and error I do believe we have the issue of the anti-nausea medicines under control.  Hopefully on round three we won't have to endure any of what we have had to in the past, let's just say I am ever so grateful every day that we have several options.

One realization that came about this last time was just how out of control I am with so many things, and for those of you that know me well, that is not me!  Since day 1, optimistic, positive and we're going to get through this have been my motto, never wavering from our decisions and always having such a calm comfort about everything.  I know who has been carrying me through this journey, that's why my strength is so absolute.  He Is In Control! 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9.

After four weeks of treatment, at times it just seemed that so many things were happening at such a monumental speed and out of my control.  The side effects of the medications, which we knew would happen, they did.  I was doing fine until the hair started coming out.  I took the suggestion of a friend and survivor herself and didn't let the hair control me but I controlled it.  But then that was when it hit me, an overwhelming sense of just how much had changed.  From my dietary restrictions, to not being able to go out like I had been able to, just in case you might run into some "germs" to the the many physical changes that are still occurring and will continue to do so-- no matter what I do to try to prevent them, the medicine that will cure me is in control, not me.

Needless to say, I had my time to reflect, cry and talk to several people who helped me through this time and I know that I had so many others sending positive thoughts and prayers my way on a daily basis and that, my family and friends - is what is getting me through this!  I just have to do what I do best and fight, with the help of all who have offered and especially with "His" help. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

I will leave you with some notes about the kids' of course, and how we are all dealing with the "new look".  Bianca thought it was "cool" and couldn't wait to tell the baseball team, I loved how one of them handled the situation when she told him, he said "I know, and that's why we all shaved our heads, just for your mom". Brooke had a hard time with the fact that she was not with me when it happened, but we have talked quite a bit and I'm not sure if you got to see her comment: "Hi it's Brooke I just wanna say I am so proud of my mom. She is a brave and beautiful. She will always be my mom and nothing not even cancer will change her. She's doing ok if you wanna know.-Brooke .....March 21, 2011 7:42 PM"  She is now having a fun time getting tie my scarves and tells me which one's to wear or how to wear my wig, the girly-girl in her is fun!  Blayr, giggled when she saw me for the first time and was a very calming person to have around when Brooke was having a difficult time.  With hands out and both palms up, she would tell Brooke "you'll get used to it, you'll get used to it, it's ok", she may look like her dad, but I think she has some of her mommy's strength!  Then we come to Lincoln, oh my precious boy!  When he saw me for the first time he said "you look like a boy mom" just made us all laugh! He loves to take off my hats or scarves and just rub my head, I think it's funny- just waiting until he does it out in public when I'm not expecting it! The moment that still brings a chuckle every time I think about it was one of the first times I put my wig on, he ran in the room, stopped in awe and said "WOW MOMMY!! YOUR HAIR GROWS FAST!!!"