Tired........and exhausted!

     Hi there! This post is brought to you by Leticia's husband, Brian.  This is my first post on the blog so I hope that I can do it justice.  I have been in the epicenter of everything that has been going on with my wife and I'm not sure that I have taken the time to step back and gather my thoughts or separated myself from the whole process long enough to put words to what I have seen or how I have reacted to Leticia's battle.  I love the blog and feel that now it is my turn to contribute.
     There have been many hard days so far, but for me, Thursday has been right up there at the top of the miserable scale.  Leticia is just getting past the 48 hour mark from chemotherapy and I was on the road on my way to Wichita, KS for our weekend baseball series.  I have tried to ebb the feeling of helplessness by researching breast cancer and the ensuing chemo.  I am an avid reader and the process of becoming knowledgeable about any subject that my wife is dealing with is my only recourse and for those few moments when I am researching, I don't think about how little that I can do to help.  Traveling to a city 9 hours away only compounds the inability of me to help since I can't even be there to get her medicine or make sure that she is drinking enough to stay hydrated.
     A constant theme of this blog has been the effort that my baseball team has made in understanding what we are going through.  They continually amaze me at the support that they show our family.  From shaving their heads to buying the pink bat for Leticia and autographing it, they have been my strength on many days.  I preach to them that as a team, we are a family and they have taken that to include Leticia and the kids to the extreme in the most positive way imaginable.  They are too young to fully understand the effect that they are having on our family, especially the effect that they have on me.  Everyone needs to draw strength from somewhere and I am constantly obtaining strength from them.  I truly believe that the things that we teach baseball players are not simply for the game of baseball, but for the rest of their life.  I have come to find out that they are pretty good teachers also!  Well-enough about me-let's get you updated on Leticia and our first experience with her chemotherapy.

     Tuesday:  Effects of the chemo are never a certainty and the nurse who administered Leticia's dose told her that she may not sleep because one of the drugs has a tendency to do that.  A sleeping pill seems to have taken care of that problem for the first evening.  Leticia fell asleep at 10:30 that night, slept through her 2:00 am alarm for her anti-nausea meds and slept until 9:15 the next morning.

     Wednesday:  I believe that she willed herself out of bed so that she didn't get dehydrated.  Just by looking at her, you could tell that she could have kept sleeping but she knew she had to drink something.  The great news was that she did not have a headache-too bad that didn't last much longer. Leticia had to go back to the doctor's office for a "neulasta" shot at 1:00.  This shot will help fight off infection while increasing her bone marrow white blood cell count.  I called at 4:00 to see how the shot went and she was just getting home from the doctor's office-not a good sign.  Three hours out of the house the day after your first chemo session must seem like an eternity. I have no idea how anyone going through chemo can function at a high level.                        
 ---From Leticia: "I don't feel like eating but know that I need to. We bought some 'ensure' and maybe I will have one of those. I'm not supposed to be on of 'those' people who need that stuff, but I am, so I will just get it over with. These are the things that are really getting to me lately."
     When I returned home, she was sleeping-thankfully.  Throughout the evening, she would get up to eat, drink, and take her meds, then back to bed.  She is extremely tired and the headaches have started, I don't think we had any idea that the headaches would be so extreme-probably a trade off for the limited amount of nausea so far.  I didn't grasp the severity of how much chemo took out of you, the exhaustion is to a level that I could not have imagined.  She can hit the pillow and be out for hours.  I am extremely tentative to move her position if she falls asleep with her head in an unnatural position, I really don't want to do anything to make her wake up.  We have a new problem creeping into the picture, her surgery site is starting to hurt.

      Thursday:  6:00 am: I really didn't think it could get worse in the headache area, but this morning I was taken aback at the severity of it and how it is beating her down. As I am getting ready to go on my road trip, I can see that things are not good and not going to get better this morning.  The surgery area is extremely stiff this morning and is adding increased pressure and pain to her body.  She thinks the headache is partially from some dehydration (could be) and from her being a lazy bum (really?????).  I think she does too much-but what do I know?  She has been getting her arm exercises in, but just that drains her energy out in moments.  ----From Leticia: "Just realized I haven't showered since Tuesday-better do that, oh but the energy it might take!" At least it sounds like she is a little more realistic right now.  9:00 pm:  I got to talk with my wife 4 different times today-still not enough.  I have a job to do but it doesn't make it any easier being away from her.  Of course the last time I called, she had already fallen asleep-and I woke her up-sorry Love.
      I cannot possibly thank everyone enough who has helped, is helping, or will help in the future.  One of the hardest things to do is accept all of the help and support gracefully-I know that sounds weird but it is the truth.  I am working on that chink in my armor and will continue to do so, just as I know that we still need all the love and prayers that we can get!
Til next time-Brian